i don't want to write this.
the last week i have been very deprest. i have been getting random headache's, suddenly really sleepy and random moment's where i go from normal or happy to bumbed out.
i have been doing a lot of thinking about how my life is and what i did and what went wrong because. well. i guess i would call it an abnormal youth though that is an understatment.
some of you may remember me saying that i have been "bullied" in the "why we chose our username's?" thread well what i have told you in there was not even the tip of the iceberg.
the last couple of days i have been getting deprest because of a large number of thoughts have been running trough my mind and most are related to that "bullieïng". so i had to find away to clear up my mind and get this off of my chest because it has been starting to affect my life out side of my mind.
this is gonna be a long story and it's gonna be depressing for me to even write this. i will try to explain everything as good as i can.
this story is basicly my life the moment i started with school.
in the netherlands we have 2 schools. "basicschool" the ecwivalant in the U.S. to that would be elemantery and we have high school.
you start basicschool at the age of 4-5 and you end high school around 16-18 depending on a few options the school make's.
so i started basicschool when i was 4. you start in group 1 then after a year you go to group 2 and so on till you are in group 8 after which high school starts.
group 1 and 2 are basicly still a bit of kindergarten and you real start to get classes in group 3 though it is still a bit like kindergarten. in group 3 it was discoverd i had dyslexia along with a number of people in my group. in group 4 the school started to put me and a few clas mates into extra math lessons because we were apperently slow in them though for my it was more that i can't write with a pen very quick making it seem like i was slower.
group 1-4 were very normal and there was nothing wrong there. but at the end of 4 in the last couple of weeks i had my first expierence with what known as bullying.
we were just on the play ground and one of the boys me and my friends usually hung around with started to call me a mongol (translate's to mongolien and ******) and i had no clue what it ment and i doupt he did but i did no it was an insult, it started spread and more people in my class started to call me name's more often and i had no idea why.
but summer vacation started and i didn't bother with it, i did what every normal kid would to and just played with my toys, games and friends. one of my friends didn't want to play with me though which confused me but i was very naive in that time (like every kid of 7-8 should be) and didn't think to much of it.
in the following years it became worse and worse.
in group 5 we got a horrible man of a teacher. angry at everything and everyone for no apperent reason and took it out on us. he picked favorite's... i was not one of them but my clas mate's did see me as one of them.
the man torcured me along with a large part of the boys in my class and a few girls.
the man would torchure you by giving you the most redicoulessly difficult questions and if you were wrong he would punish you by saying you trough some strech of the imagination said something unpleasant about him in your awnser.
if you were right he would simply comeback with a question 3 times more difficult then the last one.
we were kids who barely knew how to solve 11X12 of the top of our heads and he asked us what random country used this random method for this random food which i something you should learn in group 8 at earliest but we didn't know that.
the thing is i was actually smart unlike though the school never credited me like that and said go in special class something with people they thought were from my level out side normal classes.
so i did no what random country used what random method to farm this random food.
and because i was right in 80% of the case's he would give me a bigger punishment if i was wrong.
but because i was right in so many case's he didn't punish me quiet often so my class mate's who did get punished a lot grew hatred towards me.
i started to lose friends and there was nothing i could do about it. at all.
i got called name's half of which i had no idea what they ment and i had no idea why. i was often alone on the play ground and i sometimes had to cry in a corner of the play ground only i knew of because of the lonelyness and the constant harresment. i was only in rare case's allowed to join others game's and they alway's made sure i couldn't get any enjoyment out of it.
i was fed up with it and i started to think what this was and why this happend to me. and here my brain started to defelop into what it is today. i have been able to talk to adult people way easier then people of my own age. because people of my own age are often a lot more childish.
before i started to think what and why i saw what these kids as "normal" partially because they said "this is how we treat eachother 2 not only you" all i can say to that is that that is the greatest ****ing lie in the history of lies. the other reason i saw it as "normal" was because i had no clue what it was and did not fully know how to react to this though i knew it wasn't good because it made me sad.
the mere thought of me thinking their behaviour was normal sickens me still to this very day.
and the bullying started to follow me out side of school to sports since i picked up hockey which a lot of my class mate's also did and i got put on the team with one of the main bullies.
at home all i wanted was to be happy so i played my game's. my pokemon, my mario, my rachet and clank.
at this point my brain started to figure out how the bullying worked. in my class there were 2 main bullies. if they started the rest would follow and would basicly try to one up each other to get in favor of the 2 main bullies. the thing i couldn't figure out was why the "followers" so to say tried to get in favor of these spesific 2. they weren't overly popular or anything like that.
if i would talk to one of the "followers" with no one around they would be normal people and nice to talk with. i do not blame them. the social hyarchie is strange in a school setting and is a purely horrible thing.
in group 6 i lost basicly all of my friends. i had one friend but he couldn't help me because he was afraid they would do the same thing to him as they did to me. this was a horrible feeling to have. to be so lonely is something no human being should ever expirience and the bullies only made the lonelyness worse by casting me out even more. they would look for me on the play ground just to say that i should stop following them and call me name's.
none of the teacher's knew because A: i didn't think of telling a teacher and B: the bullies would lie and basicly already had the teachers behind them.
me vs the world? no. i went up against something 10 times stronger. me vs the school.
this is where i found the worst that humanity had to offer and i still stand by that.
a few month's before the summer vacotion one of my cousin's actually comited suicide. this made me 100% sure not to consider suicide as a possible option. not even consider suicide.
i was still at the point where i was considering to concider suicide.
in group 7 one of the teachers finally helped me. by telling the bullying was bad................
(m'kay) -_-
i did get a little bit of rest because there was a new kid in our class who they saw as a new target they i was still the main pray.
in group 8 i was just done with it. i just wanted to get to high school, one where none of the people of my basicschool went. the bullying continued till the very end of the year. my parents learned how bad it actually was and i found out that our school never said anything to the parents of the bullies.
as final act the bullies put me up against a wall. held me back and started to repeatedly punch me in my stomach. i still get angry when i think about it today. they thought that this had broken me. when i started crying out of the sheer pain. i guess that all those sadists ever wanted was to break me. i gave them no such pleasure. because the moment i figured that out i started to yell at them, i started to curse at them and i ripped my self lose of the "followers" grip and punch the one of the main bullies in the throat and in his face and 3 times in his stomach. i was pulled off of him or i would sertenly with have continued with great pleasure.
he tried to act though though it was very clear he was hurt and started crying.
all i could see was a vague red blur around in front of my eyes's and all i could feel was a smirk sitting on my face.
i finally got the ability to hit back and i hit hard. the ability was pure rage from all of those years of pysical and mental torture.
in the summer vacation i went to a psycologist who helped me get a bit more closure of the basicschool.
so i started highschool with high hopes that after half a year got smashed into the ground. bullying had returned. the mistake i made was that the highschool was still in the same town as my basicschool and my old class their new highschool. so trough social media it spread and it returned.
i started to get bad grade's i started to get deprest and i started to get very angry. video games where basicly what kept me from going on a rage rampage and repeatedly punch the new bullies in there face.
there was one other big thing that kept me from the thought's of suicide and a rage rampage and that was well my imagination. that is my most prised posetion that i would not give up for a thing in the universe. i am not afraid of death. i haven't been since the thought of suicide but i was very afraid of what would happen to my concieceness after death. because the one thing our mind's can not think if is our minds not existing. my mind not existing would mean my imagination would not exist.
my imagination exist's out of 4 worlds. one is for my pure amusment and relaxation. one is for emotions and for pylosophy which i have been doing for such a long time. one is what i call the arena, this one purely exist's for amusment and angermangement but i wanted to sepreted it from the first world because the 1st is the biggest and my favorite and i did not want that world to get any influence from the bullies that is why the arena exists. the last one is a pure zone with nothing in it, this one exists if there is so much on my mind i can not keep proscessing it and i have to step away from my own mind.
for 3 more years the bullying continued. after that i switched schools to a school where a class is 1-5 people at most out side of my own town. i am visting a psychologist again and it is helping me. but.
as i have said lately i have been feeling more and more deprest and i don't know where this is coming from. it has been affecting my school work and smite and my thought's.
these where some most painfull memories i have and these were some i did not want to dig up. you may have noticed that further down i started to get less detailed and that is because it was just to painfull.
i don't know if i will get anything from this but it was nice though painfull to write it all down for once. i have no clue why im posting it but i don't care.
All4 i'm sorry for what you went through as a child. I hope that you will get out of your depressive state and start being yourself again soon.
So you posted a blog on a forum about a MOBA to cry about being picked on?
Do you know what a blog is? jeez
If you're so *******ed insightful then you would know that talking about your problems, past or present, is a good way to help relieve yourself of those burdens, regardless of the medium for doing so.
This guy is basically the idiot who says "1v1 me in real life bro ill kick ur ***** *** lol"
So you posted a blog on a forum about a MOBA to cry about being picked on? Sorry dude, it's a part of life and if it's still affecting you negatively, you need to toughen up. I grew up the only Asian kid in an all white/Hispanic school. I was bullied daily. Do you know what I did? I started fighting back... and kicking their ***es. By the time I reached high school no one messed with me. Spend a couple of years in a POW camp where you get so hungry that you're forced to eat cockroaches to survive. Then you've experienced real hardship. That's my most traumatic experience. There's more to life than social circles and school. Get over it bro.
Really? Are you serious? I don't even know where to start. First off, he isn't crying about being picked on, he's sharing personal parts of his life with people he trusts. And toughen up? He's had to go through all that struggle, and now he should toughen up? Is that gonna make him more courageous, or stop people from bullying him? And then, you start complaining about your personal life, as if it will make his better? I mean seriously, no one came here to listen about your "couple of years in a POW camp where you get so hungry that you're forced to eat cockroaches to survive(cough cough ********)" They came here to hear all4games's story, to relate and help him through his struggles, because they care.
But why am I even talking to you? A person who tells people to "get over it", who seemingly has no shred of human compassion whatsoever, who thinks they're so high and mighty because... well I'm not quite sure why, bur come on. He hasn't done anything to offend you, and you just decide to go to his personal blog to insult him? piss off, all4games is a great guy, and it took courage and strength to post stories so personal on the internet for all to see. Two traits it seems you lack.
So you posted a blog on a forum about a MOBA to cry about being picked on? Sorry dude, it's a part of life and if it's still affecting you negatively, you need to toughen up. I grew up the only Asian kid in an all white/Hispanic school. I was bullied daily. Do you know what I did? I started fighting back... and kicking their ***es. By the time I reached high school no one messed with me. Spend a couple of years in a POW camp where you get so hungry that you're forced to eat cockroaches to survive. Then you've experienced real hardship. That's my most traumatic experience. There's more to life than social circles and school. Get over it bro.
1) This was a very weird thing to necro
2) saying "suck it up" sounds demeaning and doesn't really help. You sound like the stereotypical uncaring dad who tells his children to go away because he's watching TV.
3) telling someone to stand up for themselves is fine. Telling someone to become a counter-bully is not.
4) literally one of the biggest things therapists say, in regards to depression, is to never trivialize a feeling based on "other people have it worse". You're telling me juts because there are worse off people that his problems are any less saddening? You're basically telling him to be happy because he should be, and you don't just make yourself happy.
I'm sorry you had to deal with a lot too but don't sit there and trivialize everything he went through. I've supported many people, both family members and friends, who have had or currently have depression, and the things you're saying are both unhelpful and unsupportive. I'm not necessarily saying all4 has depression but in a blog like this, it's rude to tell someone what he's feeling is wrong. Feelings aren't something you can answer.
High school? Know that feeling bro. I once had to stop myself from suicide by jumping trough the window. Was harsh. But in my country it's gone off quickly. I signed in into a sience class. a place when evreyone had problems. In my country the sience class was regular, And that's mean that My-Class mates was from there. And it was really fun. See, In America or wherever you are there is not a lot of places where pepole that went trough things like you did in High school. But i did got to be with pepole that are my level in the social meter. So my life was good after elementary school. I think that they need to be more places like those. I even ended up with a hot, Smart girl freind. But your story. That was suppoused to be my life. It just shows that kids these days are very dumb. I'm sure that there's a place for you to fill in. Have you tried to see if there are some place that you can fill in? Like an a graders class? I'm not sure if it's what you like, But i bet that there are nicer kids there.
I know what you're feeling in a lot of ways. Highschool was pretty damn horrible for me until mid-senior year. Being the oldest in a family brings a lot of unnecessary burden and weight on my shoulders as well, and I feel like it's too hard to satisfy the requirements people close to us pose.
I can't say I know exactly how you feel - I'm not you - but I understand, so if you need help, just shoot me a message.
In the meantime, I'll tell you college is pretty damn awesome, and while highschool isn't the best 4 years of your life, college is a pretty good shot at that.