September 24, 2013

Rant time. WARNING: Wall of text incoming

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Autism  |  Autistic  |  Rant
I'll just make this quick: It sucks to be autistic.

Not because it makes it awkward to the people you meet - just ask Jararo or Dark Jaw - but mostly of the way you think about yourself. I'm lucky - I'm only diagnosed with Asperger's, and not full-on ASD, but it still feels like I'm obviously low functioning. Everything I do, I question it. It's gotten to the point where I just sit back and watch stuff, under the philosophy that if I embarrass myself by doing anything, then I might as well do nothing at all. Thus my lack of real-life friends.

Now, I know that I've only been on SmiteFire for how long... a month? Maybe less? and I've already got in contact with two people, both of which are probably looking at this and thinking, "Is he joking?". It really doesn't show, does it? not even in real life. As a said above, the largest factor for me is the way I think of myself. To try to put you in my shoes, just take everything that you consciously notice about yourself and what you do, and ask, "What does everybody else think? What if they don't agree?". Thus, I practically never wear graphic T-shirts in public, never engage in anything until prompted, etc.: because I think that EVERYBODY is judging me. Case in point: Whenever I talk with Jararo, I wonder whether he enjoys the conversation and my sporadic questions, or whether he thinks that it's just a waste of time, that I'm more of a thorn in his back than anything else. Don't mistake this for depression: I've been there, and this is something completely different. And please don't comment loke "aww, now I feel bad", because I'll probably think you're joking.

I think it's time I ended this rant. Otherwise, I'll go on and on and on and on and on...

tl:dr; I'm autistic, it's barely noticeable, and I hate it.